sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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