I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
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