Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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