Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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