dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You dont lie about slip and slides
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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