Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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