Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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