my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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