it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize