I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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