I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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