if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
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How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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