Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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