I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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