I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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