Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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