i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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