mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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