The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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