You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
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He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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