Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize