i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
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I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
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Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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