Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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