I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How does it feel to date your dad?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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