do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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