you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
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he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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