The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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