Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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