he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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