i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
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dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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