If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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