Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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