I think my fart just growled at me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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