Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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