sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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