I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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