oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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