new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
not ubering you a puppy
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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