I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize