remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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