Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize