her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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