awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
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Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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