I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
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I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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