Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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