Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

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(203): i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA http://tfl.nu/d77g

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(902): My brain says no but my pants say off. http://tfl.nu/syce

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(613): View more from Ontario

he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.

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(613): he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/9esh

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.

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(512): I'm so hungover that the internet is hard. http://tfl.nu/0l8c

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(757): im trying to make cookies in the george foreman http://tfl.nu/otmc

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(413): woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol. http://tfl.nu/kdb1

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(631): Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate. http://tfl.nu/qonz

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(847): View more from Illinois

then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started

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(847): then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started http://tfl.nu/q84m

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex

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(215): I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex http://tfl.nu/v0s4

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..

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(608): On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me.. http://tfl.nu/zeud

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(614): I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening? http://tfl.nu/furs

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.

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(403): I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture. http://tfl.nu/2295

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(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

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(713): My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them. http://tfl.nu/xfe6

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(310): View more from California

Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.

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(310): Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested. http://tfl.nu/eqfs

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(407): View more from Florida

OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING

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(407): OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING http://tfl.nu/avf7

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