You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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