my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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