Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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