Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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